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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

still born by Suicide Machine (me)

We are the stillborn stepchildren of the future generations.
Bone-picked, death-ringed, hated, berated, losers, and freaks all.

We are the suicidal slaves.
Only wanting to fill others' graves.
Heroic to the end.
Fresh to kill again.

Rotting from the inside, but hung like a horse.
Lose something, anything, by force.
Give me a commercial or give me death.
While the rest, take a breath.

Lose your virginity before thirteen,
so you'll really be that drama queen.
But we can all become clean,
when hate is loved, and we destroy the machine.

Saturday, November 27, 2004


Comment me I dare you.... bring it....

Friday, November 26, 2004

One and the same

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now

Embracing you, this reality here
This one, this form I hold now
So wide-eyed and hopeful

Wide-eyed and hopefully wild
We barely remember what came before this precious moment
Choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal, all this pain is an illusion

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment
We are choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside
This holy reality
This holy experience, choosing to be here in

This body
This body holding me
Be my reminder here that
I am not alone in
This body
This body holding me
Feeling eternal, all this
Pain is an illusion


In this holy reality
In this holy experience, choosing to be here in

This body
This body holding me
Be my reminder here that
I am not alone in
This body
This body holding me
Feeling eternal, all this
Pain is an illusion

Swirling round with this familiar parable
Spinning, weaving round each new experience
Recognize this as a holy gift and
Celebrate this chance to be
Alive and breathing, the chance to be
Alive and breathing

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember: we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

Parabol & Parabola - Tool (Tracks 6&7 on Lateralus)


This song(s) is probably one of my absolute favorites.

It reminds me of a great love, the loneliness of suicide, a much needed hug, sex, depression, hope, and mourning. I have to stop myself from listening to it at times as I'll get misty. Maynard's (vocals) voice is haunting throughout. Everybody that I can see on songmeanings.com think that he is talking about something specific to them.

As I don't have many readers, probably most of you haven't heard the song. I really suggest you go out and _buy_ this CD. (Everytime you download a song illegally, God kills a kitten)


I hope that all my tens of readers, if that, had a good Thanksgiving. I personally cooked for five people, how it turned into food for a medium sized outfit of Russian military, I'll never comprehend... 23lb turkey, 10lb ham, 15lbs of Mashed potatos, 3 pies, 10lb cheesecake (Amber kicks ass), and all the fixin's

My brain hurts from all the food, and leftovers for that matter. By the way, tryptophan is an urban legend. All I know is that I fell asleep, and hard, on our tile floor no less. One word: Ouch.

To play on the words of Tyler Durden ( Fight Club ): You are not your turkey, stuffing, or even your loosened belt.

Happy Shopping Day!!!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Love by Suicide Machine (me)

I am alone
I am reviving
I am recovering
I am in the dark
I am lost
I am mislead
Take me away as only you can
Sorrow surrounds me
I was overwhelmed
I was stale
I was obsolete
I was fragile
I was forsaken
I was crippled
Take me away as only death can
Sorrow surrounds me

Friday, November 19, 2004

Feeling a bit alone

Things are going great on the JB ranch, don't get me wrong.

I got my stuff yesterday :D

A new shirt and a new hat

but for some reason I feel alone...

I have a girlfriend of two years, Amber. I mean c'mon I'm still her fanboy for christ sake's. So everything is good there

...but I still feel alone...

I thought it might have to do with friends, but I have a good friend now, my roomate Hans.

...but I still feel alone...

I talk to my family in Ohio often, and for long periods of time.

...but I still feel alone...

And not the alone, in a room full of people, alone. I kinda feel like a kid trapped in a man's body and all those responsibilities, but all I want to do is play with my thoughts and ideas like toys. Which, is by the way, the only place in the world I feel comfortable.

and on that note....

Monday, November 08, 2004

I can still feel you...even so far away

The Great Below - NiN

Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been

Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say

The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away


I love you Da

Sunday, November 07, 2004

First Post

Just trying this out for right now...

The life and times of jijin|machina a.k.a Suicidal Machine of the Gods

I have been listening to archived Sean Kennedy for the past few days and he is pretty, "switched on", as he would say. Makes alot of sense in a way...

Been extremly depressed lately. I think that may have to do with my father, who I love with my whole heart, was diagnosed with cancer and was given 8-10 months to live. Not really having that good of a time with it....

been thinking about self-cutting lately...been on my mind alot since last november

...of course I won't though...
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