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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Low place like home

Sorry that I haven't blogged lately....I hope that my tens of readers are still around. I am now in Warren Ohio, approx. 1500 miles from home in Austin Texas.

Here is a writing of mine of recent. I am going to be blogging more now that I have a computer and a net connect.

Here it is:

This is a letter written to no one, yet to all, and as most all my writings are suicide notes in some way or another, this one will be no exception.

Right now I'm not doing good mentally, which you will probably figure out due to my confession about this being a suicide note.

Matt (my brother) has almost the same problems, only bigger, that I did during the same formidable teen years, which tears me apart. Seeing him get fucked up on pills, alcohol, acid, weed, you name it, is even harder. I know no amount of yelling nor lecturing will help him, but it's all I can do, so he hates me for it. To some extent, I see him as my son, to another extent he is a stranger hurting everybody around me. So I am torn between a fuck up son who has great potential, a suicidal friend, a brother who is much more able then me, and a stranger hurting myself and my family in almost a ritualistic pattern.

Tom (my dad) has hurt me deeper then I even realize yet and I feel like I have to get back at him by not talking to him, even though in my gut it's the thing I most want to do. He is activly dying so every decision I make is magnified ten-fold, all while being passviely scrutinized by family and friends. In these two plus months I have figured out that I love him and hate him concurrently, that I constantly want to give him my trust but he can never hold it, that my personal super man is falible more then just physically, and in a few months I wil never see him again.

Dyana (my step-mom) is the only person I have a healthy relationship with who I consider my peer. We have not been talking lately, which is causeing me to vent to Amber, who unfortunately has her own problems now.

I had an uncle die recently, and I considered him and Tom to be very much alike. His funeral hit home and has affected me as a death of my dad would.

Now for myself. The more I think about it and figure it out the more I realize that Asperger's Syndrome rules my life. I am tried of using all of my social bag of tricks to make and keep a friend. I'm tired of only making friends through other people. Because when I do make a friend through another person, that person gets jealous. I'm tired of hurting people. I would rather hurt everyone for a relativly short period of time, then to stay alive until I'm 80 hurting everyone. I hate the hypocracy that is rampant, the image maintanence, and the consumerism. I hate my paranoias, lack of understanding social situations, and I'm tired, just tired.

-jijinmachina


------------
=+Music+=
Mind.In.A.Box - "Lost Alone"

=+Mood+=
Homesick

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HEY JIJI I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK IN AUSTIN!!! There is no need to fear Mandy is here. HEHEHE... I have sent you previous emails while you were in Ohio and I guess you were unable to retrieve them.ummhmmm...? Dude you will always find a friend just a phone call away......

19:53  

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